Walk right in and out of my life...

Oh that’s just great… I cheated and stayed oL on FB just to have a chat with Sasuke’s mom… great great…

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+man~ stupid me~ I said no cheating!!+

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Sigh… It’s just that… talking about Sasuke, acting as if everything is okay… sort of gives me peace, acting as if nothing is wrong… although I feel guilty for always saying that everything is just peachy… it makes me a little better.

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though I would definitely NEVER drag his mom into our problem…

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I told myself I should stay away, since Sasuke seems to not want me in close proximity of himself, so I should stay away… but I just couldn’t stop myself from being available for a chat buddy for his mom… as I’ve said… talking about him, acting like everything is okay makes the pain subside for a while… and it helps me get through another week without him…

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The wounds in my heart are especially raw since yesterday was the 22nd… so i really needed comfort badly… I need the pain to go away for a while so that i can go pick up the pieces and stitch it all back together…

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I was desperate for an escape from the pain, so i opted to act that everything was okay in front of someone who’ll believe me, i feel terrible for lying though, but i don’t know what to say to his mom otherwise! It’s mostly not in my place anymore.

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I need to be strong… for myself and for everyone else… I feel like I’ve already burdened a lot of people because of my heartache, so i truly need to be strong right now… 

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Every time his mom would say “It’s a good thing you can still stand him,” even though she doesn’t know the current predicament between us, I feel a bit more confident, like our chats recharges my desire to keep fighting…

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Even right now I feel like I can go through another torture week… just because I had time to talk about Sasuke with someone who doesn’t think he’s a jerk…

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+yeah… my friends (especially my bestfriend) thinks that he doesn’t deserve me… Oh contrare, i don’t think that at all, sure he’s got flaws, but he’s just human, and I know I’ve got issues myself, so i don’t think he doesn’t deserve me… not in the negative way, I’d believe it more if it meant he doesn’t deserve me, meaning he deserves someone better.+

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Right now I’m really worried if he finds out that his mom is contacting me… would he be mad? probably, but i cant say ‘please don’t call me or chat me at FB anymore’ and not give a damn reason…

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sigh~ I’m getting myself into deeper sludge alright… I’m putting my heart on the path of hurt by getting too close to his family…

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I just hope my heart survives this if anything goes badly again…

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The only motivation I usually have nowadays is his mom’s request… ‘take care of him for me okay? and just hang in there’.

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She really wants him to be happy, and she’s worried that he won’t find someone who can stand his daily antics. +believe me… he can be REALLY difficult+ And I want that for him too, I want him to be happy, want him to have someone, and yeah, selfishly I want that person to be me…

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She knows he can be A LOT difficult too.

And that’s why I don’t feel as alone anymore after each chat… I know that someone will understand, (if ever she finds out)

So I can’t just give up, not on him, it’s not over till its over, right?

I’m really down in the dumps lately, and I don’t know what to do… I feel like I’m so lost.

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I just can’t believe Sasuke (my boyfriend irl +using sasuke as a pen name coz it fits+) hasn’t talked to me even once for a few months now! And yesterday +10/22+ was supposed to be our 9th monthsary… Im not that type who cling onto things like monthsaries, the only holidays that i actually pay attention to are Halloween and Christmas anyway, i don’t even like celebrating my birthday, +technically im not much of a party-people+ but i cant believe he just completely ignored me…

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oh sure… what was i expecting? of course he would! he’s been doing it for months now! why would he care?

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sigh… i know that it pretty much sounds like he ditched me already, and that’s probably true, but there’s been no closure from his side or my side…

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his family thinks we’re still dating! he hasn’t said anything, so what do i do?!

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i don’t want to break up with him myself, because i don’t want to bear the regret of ending it with my own hands, and I’m hoping that i could still talk him into starting over…

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yes, yes… i’m pretty desperate and that I’m truly a love sick idiot for wanting back a guy who abandoned me without a word.

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but idk, i just don’t like giving up, and i don’t like giving up on people i love, especially on him, i don’t want to give up!

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mou~ but my heart is all beat up! it’s soooooooo exhausted from the constant “I’m okay” & “I can still handle it” act!!

Why do I have to be so stubborn?! Why do I love him so? It’s really stupid and pointless to cling onto things you don’t have anymore. SO WHY?!

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last 9/25 I asked him if he still liked me, bugged him why he was being so cold, tried to make him tell me if he wants me to just give up on him… asked him if he still had feelings for me…

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but all he did was… Ignore. Me. And. Act. As. If. I. Didn’t. Exist.

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the whole time i was trying to stop my tears from falling. Why? because I didn’t want him to see me in pain, I didn’t want him to ever think that he hurt me beyond repair, I didn’t want him to see the depths of my woe…

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I didn’t want him to remember me crying.

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And because I knew that he’s a secretive person, if he saw me crying my heart out and be affected by it, he would probably keep it to himself forever, not uttering a word of it to another soul, and just thinking about him being burdened by me if ever he was affected… i wouldn’t allow it, I won’t risk it.

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From a fellow female, she suggested that maybe i should just explode my feelings in front of him so that he’ll see… but i seriously don’t want to do that, for the same reason earlier, and i just can’t help but be gentle with him… I don’t know why though, but I always treat him preciously, always trying to look out for him even though I know he’s pretty capable of looking out for himself…

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And on that day I said, “I’ll take your silence as a ‘yes’ to my question ‘do you not like me anymore?’…” when a whole minute passed and he still just looked ahead without a word i couldn’t keep my tears in any longer, so i hastily stood up and said “fine, i get it, i won’t bug you anymore” and ran back to the skating ring, deliberately trying hard to go fast on skates and forcing myself to have fun, pushing myself to the point that my feet got blisters all over until i couldn’t walk anymore…

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it’ll probably look like i broke up with him, but i still think that wasn’t a proper closure.. sigh… why is this whole love thing so complicated?!

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Im so torn because of that snap decision that i made! Although I’m still keeping my word, I haven’t ‘unnecessarily’ texted him or whatever since then, even tried to avoid him so that I won’t be tempted to talk to him…

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I thought ‘If he wants to talk to me, he would’ so I kept my distance… but it hurts so damn much! knowing that he hasn’t even said hi to me without me saying hi first, its torture!

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he just left me… Just. Like. That.

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and it hurts so much because he didn’t even have a reason for it…

<pretty much relating to the song ‘just be friends’ right now…>

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It hurts so much that it’s even hard to breath… its choking me and killing me…

And even then… I still love him unconditionally.

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It sucks to love someone despite everything sometimes…

Okay, so hi, I’m Sakura, and this is my online journal, I would like to keep track of my thoughts here because there are so many things going on in my life right now that I’m afraid I’m losing sight of most of what’s in front of me. (‘here’ because I suck at keeping a normal diary and ‘coz my penmanship looks like chicken scratch and also i prefer typing more than writing…. +and what better place to hide a tree than in a forest right?+)

Please refrain from reblogging my post if ever you stumble upon this account, i intended this account to be hidden from most people, and anyway, it’ll all be about my thoughts so who cares right? Xd